Burger King has been my employer through these last three tumultuous years. Every year of my forties has been tumultous. A revolving door of today’s melting away into yesterday without even a Hope for tomorrow. I have experienced a lack of DESIRE for tomorrow. I resent that I still am. But I am me. Emma. Forward and back, every time – still here.
At work yesterday, I was drifting off. Again.
I have been drifting off.
It’s actually been nice – I have forgotten the peace that comes when I retreat into my shell. Emma, from Pilot Point in Eglon. The blonde girl that remembers everything. Up and to the left. I remember. I daydream. I drift. I fly.
I was at the Expo station, and my mind was swirling. I was thinking about all of it, like a rapid flipping through pictures. From Eglon to school, to indoctrination, to overwhelming punches to the gut.
Chuck. Dad. Fred. Childhoood. Eglon. Europe. Tenerife, Africa. Analemma 88 Ambulance. Seattle. Fighting. Korea, Japan, Mexico -Life-Death-Hospitals, attacked, pandemics, and wars and towers crumbling and open seas. The Atlantic – the Pacific. I gave up a long time ago.
I’m standing there at the expo station, and I am remembering, I’ve already given up – why am I still going through the motions? I can’t do “this” anymore. This life as this has been. I refused a long time ago. I already decided not to participate – I can’t pretend anymore that I want to have anything to do with anything other than participate with those near me that KNOW me. That LOVE me. That CARE.
Didn’t I stop a long time ago? I said “NO MORE.”
A long time ago.