Dumb

dumb

[dəm]

ADJECTIVE

  1. temporarily unable or unwilling to speak:”she stood dumb while he poured out a stream of abuse”synonyms:speechless · tongue-tied · wordless · silent · at a loss for words · voiceless · inarticulate · taciturn · uncommunicative · untalkative · tight-lipped · close-mouthed · saying nothing

It’s always been the things I haven’t been allowed to say out loud that have made me the sickest. I have wanted to speak – but I can’t say it out loud. I open my mouth but no words come out. When I do it becomes…something I’m no longer able to ignore. Dumb sounds…afraid.

I haven’t blogged in five years. I remember when I quit. I had tried to gather the courage to SPEAK – and then I got threatened and cornered and my spirit got hushed. Silenced. So I stopped. AND I DELETED. I didn’t just stop my fingertips from communicating with pens and keyboards, I erased and deleted what I had been afraid to say because- I was told to be quiet – and I was afraid. So I put my head down and shut up. But I’m a WRITER. I’m a life documenting narrator. I’m not dumb on purpose – I grew afraid of what happens when you actually begin to speak. It’s been hard when, what I found made me feel alive – writing- felt dangerous.

So then I conceded to simply work. And look the other way. And pretend. I hate pretending.

I need to write right now. And I’m not afraid anymore.

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